We demand recompense

By Jay Bruce and Joey Votto
Good baseball players

To Whom It May Concern:

We, the undersigned, are writing to file a complaint regarding our supervisor. This is not a matter of unprofessional behavior or sexual harassment, the weird peeping incident in the shower notwithstanding.

We are lodging a complaint because our immediate supervisor is -- in technical terms -- a dipshit.

Johnnie "Dusty" Baker was hired to manage our local baseball team. We were open to the idea at the time. We were, apparently, also high on mescaline.

Let's get this straight right away: We're immensely talented individuals. We're very good at baseball. Jay was recently named the No. 1 prospect in all of baseball, and is coming off a season where he recorded a .925 OPS at Triple-A, at the age of 20. That's, like, outstanding. Joey put up a .908 OPS at the Major League level last season, at age 23. Admirable, at the very worst.

However, Dusty has recently said the following things, as documented by various media publications:

When Baker was asked who would hit leadoff when Ryan Freel and Norris Hopper aren’t playing, he said: "I hope one or the other is in the game."

“Yeah,” Baker said, “but what if you say, ‘Go play, kid,’ and he’s not ready to play winning baseball? Is it OK to overlook that? I don’t know."

"It's no secret that [Bruce] is a star of the future," Baker said. "He could be a star of the present, who knows? I'm very impressed talking with him, but there's more to baseball than just hitting, too."

He keeps talking in practice about how much he likes Norris Hopper in center field. That's Jay's position. But Dusty seems to prefer Norris, who is this lanky guy who has one home run in 342 career at-bats. Basically, he slugs like Elton John. And Dusty wants to start him over uber-phenom-studmuffin, Jay Bruce. Baker keeps saying that Jay chose the "earning business," so he has to earn what he gets. He says that about playing time, the Gatorade jug and the bathroom. Seriously. The other day he made Jay do 60 pushups before he could use a urinal. Mike Stanton got to walk right in and pee. It's not fair.

Furthermore, he keeps calling Joey "Jessie" and only lets him take batting practice off a tee, with a Nerf ball.

Everyone on the team under age 30 is terrified. Johnny Cueto says he doesn't sleep at night. Homer Bailey has already scheduled an appointment with Dr. James Andrews for August. Once, Brandon Phillips went into Dusty's office and Dusty had 15 candles lit and John Lee Hooker playing on the stereo. Dusty started asking Brandon if he liked large-mouth bass fishing, and Brandon's pretty sure that Dusty was trying to seduce him.

The man even stands on top of a scaffolding during practice, and he wears creepy sunglasses, even when it's cloudy. Also, why the fuck does he have wristbands on?

Yesterday, Jay was taking some simulated at-bats off Gary Majewski and drew a walk. Dusty spit out his toothpick, stormed over and told Jay that "Walking is for dogs, not baseball players." Then he made Jay sit out in left field with a dog collar around his neck and told him that Hank Aaron never took a walk.

We checked, and Hank Aaron walked 1,402 times in his career. But Dusty said numbers are like trout: everyone has a few lying around somewhere, and it doesn't mean you're special. We don't know what that means.

Monday, Homer was throwing on the side for a workout, and Dusty watched for about six pitches, and then told Homer he'd come back and tell him when to stop. Dusty never came back, and Homer ended up throwing 483 pitches. Dusty later said that Juan Marichal would throw that many pitches in the morning, then go out later in the day and throw another 200, and still have enough energy to hit Johnny Roseboro in the head with his bat. Who is Johnny Roseboro?

So, please. We beg you. For the sake of our careers, our lives, the City of Cincinnati, the career of Wayne Krivsky, the sanity of Adam Dunn. Please. Do something to get this man out of power. If he is not removed from his managerial position by March 1, we will be forced to move to Japan and resume our professional careers there. We hear Fukuoka is lovely this time of year.

You have 24 hours.


Best regards,

Jay Bruce and Joey Votto