Gonna bust out

Kwame Brown
NBA Superstar

You know, I was sort of enjoying my life. I was chugging along, playing a part for the Lakers in Hollywood. I was pleased with my life, my career. Everything was good.

Then the world came crashing down around me last week, when I was traded to Memphis for Pau Gasol. I had to listen to people say things like, "Christ on a bike, why would the Grizzlies want Kwame Brown?" and "Man, that Kwame Brown turned out to be a bust. Can you believe he was the No. 1 pick in that draft?" and "Man, I hope they have cake in Memphis."

Now just hold up a god damn second, all right? What's all this bust talk? Why is it so hard for all you people to believe I was the first pick in the NBA Draft? You know who picked me first overall? Michael Jordan. His Airness. The greatest to ever lace them up. He chose me above all others, and I think that's worth something.

I was looking at some of the players picked after me in that draft, and really, who the hell would you have taken instead of me? It's like clown college. Amateur hour. Nerf ball, dude. Check out some of these pretenders that were drafted after me, and tell me with a straight face they would have been better choices at No. 1:

Tyson Chander: This dude has the smallest hands I've ever seen. Do you really want an NBA center who can't palm an orange?

Pau Gasol: Well, clearly, the Grizzlies think I'm better than he is, since they traded him for me. And they should know -- they saw him play every day for years. Also, he's a terrible cook. His chorizo tastes like a hot dog with AIDS.

Eddy Curry: You know how they set up chairs as defenders during NBA Draft workouts? From now on, they're just going to use Eddy Curry. Aww yeah! Burn, bitch!

Jason Richardson: Everyone talks about how much of a bust you are if you don’t light up the world after being taken first overall. What about the expectations for a guy who has won two NBA Slam Dunk titles? Nobody’s clamoring about his underwhelming ass being a bust. I look at him, and you know who I see? Harold Miner.

Shane Battier: Sharpei head.

Eddie Griffin: Who would you rather have manning the low post -- Kwame Brown, or a dead guy? That's what I thought.

Joe Johnson: If you play for the Hawks, you're not a star. Period.

Vladimir Radmanovic: Trust me, dude. I played with this cat for the last few months, and he never, ever showers after games. He just puts on some leather pants and an open-collared shirt and leaves. It's gross.

Kirk Haston: Does anyone even remember if he existed? That right there is an excellent cautionary tale about why you don't enroll in college for four years.

Zach Randolph: Two words: marshmallow man. Did you know that the dude has 300-plus field goals this season, and only TWO dunks? He's 6-foot-9, and he can't even get his fat ass off the ground to jam more than twice all year. If I wanted to watch a bunch of layups, I'd go to a WNBA game. Not that I can anymore, since Memphis doesn't even have the WNBA.

Brian Scalabrine: Pasty white with red hair. That has never, ever worked.

Tony Parker: Eva Longoria said he's only slept with, like, three women in his life. I get more tail than that in a week, just by wearing an Armani suit and telling women that I'm Amare Stoudemire.

Gilbert Arenas: Back in 2004, I started a trend of shouting "Green Egg!" every time I shot a free throw. Why the hell does "Hibachi!" catch on and not my idea?

So, as you can all see, I hold up pretty well to the competition, and that I was the right choice in that 2001 draft. I just hope Memphis knows how to support and please an NBA icon like me, because I'm ready to bring a championship to Tennessee in 2008. Bring on the barbecue! Green Egg!