LiveBlog: The Quest for Perfection

Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief

Tonight the New England Patriots, in pursuit of perfection, take on the New York Giants. And since you kids seem to like reading neurotically-updated blogs, I thought I'd pop in here and write one for you to read. That is if you're a big enough loser to be sitting in on a Saturday night, reading a live-blog from an old man. At least I have an excuse: I'm old and live at least 80 miles from any sort of civilized area. I also can't find pants, so I can't go out in public. On the upside, my laptop is really warming my thighs right now.

Enjoy the game and the blog. I'll be here until I pass out.

6:54 While we're waiting for the game to start, here are other notable perfections for you to examine:



6:57 While waiting for the game, Wheel of Fortune is on TV. Vanna White just touches the number now? Doesn't even have to turn them? Lazy bitch.

7:00 Tonight's drinking game:

Mention of the word "perfection": 1 drink
Tom Brady touchdown: 4 drinks
Shot of Wes Welker's eyes: 6 drinks
Mention of Patriots' offensive line: 2 drinks
Brandon Jacobs' size mentioned: 2 drinks
Collinsworth subtly insults Gumbel: 3 drinks
Tom Coughlin stands with mouth agape: 2 drinks

7:08 Roger Gooddell talks like a dipshit.

7:16 Lil Eli Manning hits Plaxico Burress for a 52-yard bomb. Collinsworth says that Ellis Hobbs is the worst player on the Patriots.

7:18 Manning pass ruled incomplete, Coughlin throws red flag with his mouth wide open. That means two drinks.

7:19 For the record, I'm drinking Dewar's Whiskey.

7:20 Giants lose the challenge. Coughlin looks bewildered. Two more drinks. Shit. This is early.

7:23 Ellis Hobbs burned again on a Burress first down. Collinsworth says that Hobbs is the worst player in the NFL.

7:24 Gumbel says that Brandon Jacobs was "stoned in the hole by Vince Wilfork." I don't know what that means, but it makes me a little curious.

7:25 I'm stoned, too.

7:26 Lil Eli hits Jacobs for a short TD and the Giants lead 7-0. Collinsworth imitates Scooby Doo and says "Ruh-roh." Wish I would have incorporated that into my drinking game.

7:28 Took a trip to the outhouse during the break and my bowel movement formed a perfect 'V'. I think that's a sign that the Giants will get a victory. Or perhaps ... the Patriots?

7:29 Brady hits Moss on his first pass. Offensive line is mentioned. Drink.

7:30 Brady hits Welker and we see a camera shot of his eyes! Drink.

7:31 Gumbel says "stoned" for the third goddamn time tonight. I think he's watching ME.

7:34 Brady stands in pocket, eats a hot dog, checks his iPhone and hits Welker for a first down. I am very attracted to Wes Welker.

7:37 Pats have to settle for a FG. Collinsworth blames Ellis Hobbs. 7-3 Giants.

7:39 Someone help me -- what should I have for dinner? In my fridge I have three and a half slices of bologna, a five-year old jar of pesto and a potato. Can I make anything from that?

7:44 On-screen graphic says "perfection." One more drink.

7:46 Bryant Gumbel sounds like a gay Ethnic Studies professor.

7:47 Giants sack Brady; Brady sacks supermodel; Marv shotguns an Icehouse.

7:55 Brady hits Moss for a touchdown. That means four big swigs for me. Word to the wise: don't play drinking games involving the Patriots offense.

7:56 Burp.

7:58 Gahhhhh some dude named Hixon blows past every for a kickoff return touchdown. Giants lead 14-10. Collinsworth blames Ellis Hobbs.

8:08 I must have flalen asslep. I woke up and Gostkowski kicked a field goal, which is booooring. Booooring.

8:10 Did everyone have a good Christmas? Get anything cool? Mine was awesome. I bought myself a $500 gift card to Best Buy.

8:12 Another on-screen graphic mentioning the word "perfection." My handle of whiskey is gone. I'm moving onto some vintage 1977 Schlitz.

8:15 Tedy Bruschi makes a nifty move and Gumbel inexplciably mentions Keanu Reeves. Not sure if that's in referecene to the Matrix or My Own Private Idaho.

8:18 Pats ball. Wes Welker makes his 4,474th reception of the night nad the Patiosts are driiving.

8:21 I just filled out one of those eHarmony profiles and they said I'm "unmatchable." What the hell does that mean? I'm as matchable as anythign you'll ever see. Yeah.

8:23 Another Janigostkowski field goal. 16-14 Pats. Perfection is lame.

8:29 Lil Eli is actually executing a drive. Two minutes left. However, I demand the fat Giants quaterback be putttt in the game. Bering on fatty!

8:32 Fighting! Vince Wilfork pokes Brandon jacobs in the eye. the patrios are all pussies.

8:34. I tried to kill Lil Eli once. Couldn't stand the fucker and wanted him dead. Had my perch in a utility closet in the meadowlands, gun in hand, but I fell asleep before I could do the deed. never trust moonshine that you bought off an 18-year-old.

8:40 Who is Kevin moss? How did he just score? How are the Giants leading the Patriots 21-16 at half? How did I eat 24 beef bullion cubes for dinner?

9:00 And we're back! Had a little incident at halftime. Seems the warmth of the laptop on my thighs, combined with the whiskey, make me feel a little easygoing and I ended up peeing just a bit on the computer. Everything seems efine thoguh.

9:06 PLAXICOCOCOCO BURRESS! Touchdown! And the Giants leadthe Patios 28-16! So much for that pursiot of perfection bill belichcik.

9:10 you guys wanna see something hot? Check this out:



9:14 Gumbo says that we haven't seen m8uch fo Wes Wlker and they show a graphic saying that welker has 9 catches for 94 yards. good call.

9:16 I blame ellis hobbs for this.

9:19 Lauren Maroney scores to upll the patrios to within five touhcodowns or points or whatever.

9:20 hang on, there's a knock at my Door

9:23 Sorry, that was Nic cage askingme why i haven't gone to see national treasure too yet. i told him it was because of his face and that i also don't have a car anyermo

9:25 eeeeeeeeeeeee.

9:28 JUNIOR SEAU IS STILL PLAYING FOOTVSALL!?!?

9:30 so so sleepy. funny word. sleepy. slee pee.

9:34 one quarter left. I can't tdo it. Tell Bill belichick that if he still wants me, to tie a yelow flag to the old oak tree out back. i will see it when I pass on the trnia on my way back. i hope this is nt' boogbyde bill. byyyyye.