Ice, ice baby

By DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

There are two reasons why I am pissed today.

One, that strung-out Marv wants me to check in for Game 7 of the Sabres-Hurricanes tonight, which would normally be well and good. But let's be honest, hockey is a bitchface bore ever since Barry Melrose decided to lose the mullet (in the 'hood, we call that shit "selling your soul") and that makes tonight hella boring for me.

Also, the damn Scripps Spelling Bee is on my television! Now there is nothing in life like watching 13 and 14-year-olds who have any number of social shortcomings and will cure cancer someday but never get laid. Those dudes are a kick. You get the feeling while they're waiting in the green room, sipping champagne and smoking a gar, that they could put their heads together and take over the damn world. But they won't, because they don't know how to make eye contact, and they also want to kick the shit out of each other.

It's like watching Children of the Corn, my bitches. Children of the damn corn. I totally knew how to spell the word "phalarope," by the way, which I believe is Greco-Roman for "in the pants."

Anyway, hockey is a great game, based loosely on the Sega Genesis gold mine "NHL 95," and you better believe my Legion of Doom could dominate those Russian Roulette Red Wings when it came down to it. The Sabres have been led by the incomparable Pat LaFontaine and Dominik Hasek, while the Hurricanes are a franchise based on Hartford The Whale, led by Ron Francis.

Yes that was a Wayne's World reference ... you don't think I get white people humor? Yeah, you're probably right. But Tia Carerre is a fox.

Whoa, looking at these rosters have me all turned around. I guess there were some changes since the days of NHL 95. I don't know who I give the edge to, but I think I can make a pretty safe comparison based on the names I see here.

GOALIES:
Buffalo's Ryan Miller is a rookie and has a damn boring name. Martin Gerber and Cam Ward are also rookies with damn boring names. As we learn from the spelling bee, young dudes in big situations often start twitching and shit, and I think they'll all start twitching at the same time. No advantage.

DEFENSEMEN:
If I said, "Yo, broham, here are my friends Henrik and Toni," you would probably think I was talking about my peeps working down at the local massage parlor, not dudes on my blue line. Also, according to intel provided by my inside sources, Henrik Tallinder is a sissy cuz he ain't playing with a broken arm. Carolina has some cat named Frantisek Kaberle, which sounds like something Steven Seagal would do to your ass if you tried disrespecting him. Steven Seagal is my boy. Advantage: Hurricanes.

WINGERS:
Buffalo has some dude named Jochen Hecht, and he's from West Germany, which is impossible because West Germany doesn't exist. At least, not since David Hasselhoff was sent there to tear down that wall. Therefore, the dude must be old school, and you have to love old school. You know who else is old school? Maxim Afinogenov, who was born in the USSR. Dog, when you're a dude playing without a country, you are one scary motherfucker.

And hold on for a second, this Mike Grier fella ... he's a brother! They have brothers in hockey? Dog, I thought my boy Shani Davis was the only black man on skates, but I think we know this bodes well for the Sabres. If you check his ass into the boards, he'll pull out a piece and then steal your ride. That's fundamental hockey, if you ask me.

Carolina has Mark Recchi, who is best known for his work on my Legion of Doom team. Still, this dude is like 60 years old, and did I mention Buffalo has a black man on their team? They're gonna play the Canadian National Anthem, the Star Spangled and then Gin and Juice over the loudspeakers. Advantage, Buff.

CENTERS:
Buffalo has Daniel Briere and Chris Drury, which is fine, I guess. But Carolina has Rob Brind'Amour, also a member of DeJuan's Doomers. Is there really any comparison? I disrespected my people once by going against Recchi, and I can't do that again. Canes.

So in the end, it's 2-1-1, which looks a lot like hockey because there are ties. Or don't they do that shit anymore? Whatever, it's really close, so I think Carolina will win 6-1 or something. Bold prediction. I'll be sitting courtside, throwing my squid and my hat on the ice after the first goal so I can fit in. Keep a lookout for DeJuan when you're dialed in to Game 7 on the edge of your seat. Peace out bitches.