Pssst ... Sasha! Hook me up!

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

Once upon a time, DeJuan was a beautiful baby boy with dreams of one day becoming the most fly of fly rappers in the City of Angels. How did this dream get born, you ask yourself? It was because my momma, the fine Mrs. Cecilia Cooper C3P0, loved to read her darling little boy some nursery rhymes. This one was my favorite:

Ring around the rosy (dog, "rosy" is a another word for "ice skating rink")
Pocket full of posies ("posies" are painkillers)
Ashes, ashes (that's secret code and shit for "my gold medal hopes are in flames")
Sasha Cohen falls down.

Damn, Tupac Shakur, may you rest in peace, but go ahead and eat your heart out.

I think there were some different variations, but that's the basic gist, and I realize now that it was like a fortune telling story about the cuter-when-she-was-still-a-favorite-to-win-something Sasha Cohen. She was like America's sweetheart and shit. But not my sweetheart, no sir, that title still belongs to the fantastically smooth Surya Bonaly, who could have saved this whole figure skating debacle with her tight French backflips. Too bad she hasn't competed in the Olympics in 12 years and is probably dead.

First of all, my heart goes out to Sasha Cohen, and by heart, I mean leftovers from the media tent meal, cuz the girl needs some nutrition. Secondly, I will make sure that she does not choke on the leftover Italian beans (dog, I found one that looked just like Puffy Combs, so I'm keeping that one in my suitcase), because I know she has some issues with choking. Thirdly, I just love it when somebody says something that makes DeJuan look like A.I.! That's Albert Inestein my friend, not the point guard.

Sasha was in pain, my homies! I quote, stolen from one of these journalist people that actually do shit: "I don't even know what the correct names for all the muscles are but basically they're important ones that you need."

She went on to say she was on a "nice combination" of ultrasound, Tylenol and other painkillers. Yo, when the snowboarders put together their "nice combination," it usually leads to gold. Sounds like you need a new pharmacist, Sasha Cohen.

I guess all that falling was hard on her little legs, which is understandable cuz the girl thought she was wrestling or something (that's the summer Olympics) and had to make the 103-pound weight class. But hey, DeJuan knows to not criticize for usage of certain substances to make the day go by, or to perhaps forget every once in a while that you're trapped in White Siberia.

But soon my jet plane is a leaving for the mainland, with closing ceremonies on Sunday. If the U.S. of A can pull in front of the Germans in the medal count, I might get to bust out my American jumpsuit after all. Holla!